I went to the door today and the postman had delivered a Partridge in a Pear Tree. What a thoroughly delighted gift! I couldn't have been more surprised.
With deepest love and affection,
Aberdine
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Dearest John,
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two Turtle Doves! I'm delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable. You big silly, what next?
All my love,
Aberdine
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Dearest John,
Aren't you the extravagant one! Now I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, 3 French Hens! They are just darling, but I must insist, you have been too kind.
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered 5 Golden Rings; one for every finger! You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
All My love,
Aberdine
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Dear John,
When I opened the door there were actually 6 Geese A-Laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, eh? Those geese are huge! Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are starting to complain, and I can't sleep through the racket.
What's with you and those Fucking birds? Seven swans a-swimming? What kind of goddamn joke is this? There's bird shit all over the house and they never shut up. I can't get to sleep at night, and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny! Stop with those Fucking birds already.
Okay buster, I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I to do with 8 Maids a-Milking? It's not enough, but they had to bring their goddamn cows! There's manure all over the lawn, and I can't move in my own house. What are you doing to me? Just lay off, smart-ass!
Hey shithead: What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's 9 Pipers Piping, and Christ do they play. They haven't stopped chasing those 8 maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I to do? The neighbors have started a petition to have me evicted.
You'll get yours...
Aberdine
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You rotten prick! Now there's 10 ladies dancing. I don't why I call those sluts ladies. They've been at it all night long with those frigging pipers! Now the cows can't sleep, and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I am going to ask to ask the police to intervene. One who means it.
Listen Fuckhead: What's with the 11 Lords a-Leaping all over those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again! Those pipers have run through the maids and are committing bestiality with the cows. All 23 of the birds of the birds are dead! They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied you rotten, viscous swine.
Your sworn enemy,
Aberdine
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Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of 12 Fiddlers Fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Aberdine. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Aberdine at the Happy Vally Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Sincerely, Badger, Bender, Cajole,
Attorneys at Law
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