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A Southerner Moves up North ** 

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Jan. 10: It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the first one we've seen in years. My wife and I took our hot buttered rum and sat by the picture window, watching the soft flakes drift down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It was beautiful!

Jan. 11: We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight. Every tree and shrub covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shoveled snow for the first time ever and loved it. I did our driveway and sidewalk. Later, a city snowplow came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back and shoveled it again.

Jan. 12: It snowed an additional 5 inches last night, and the temperature has dropped to around 11 degrees. Several limbs on the trees and shrubs snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shoveled our driveway again. Shortly afterwards, the snowplow came by and did his trick again. Much of the snow is now brownish-gray.

Jan. 13: Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tires for both cars. Fell on my ass in the driveway. I went to a chiropractor and spent $145, but nothing was broken. More snow and ice expected.

Jan. 14: Still cold. Sold the wife's car and bought a 4x4 to get her to work. Slid into a guardrail anyway and did a considerable amount of damage to the right rear quarter-panel. Had another 8 inches of the white shit last night. Both vehicles covered in salt and crud. More shoveling in store for me today. That goddamn snowplow came by twice today.

Jan. 15: 2 degrees outside. More fuckin' snow. Not a tree or shrub on our property that hasn't been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a kerosene heater, which tipped over and nearly burned the house down. I managed to put the flames out, but suffered second degree burns on my hands and lost all my eyelashes and eyebrows. Car slid on ice on way to emergency room and was totaled.

Jan.16: Goddamn mother fuckin' white shit keeps coming down. Have to put on all the clothes we own just to get to the fuckin' mailbox. If I ever catch the son-of-a-bitch that drives the snowplow, I'll chew open his chest and rip out his heart. I think he hides around the corner and waits for me to open our driveway again! Power still off. Toilet froze and part of the roof has started to cave in.

Jan.17: Six goddamn more fuckin' inches of fuckin' snow and fuckin' sleet and fuckin' ice and God knows what other kind of white fuckin' shit fell last night. I wounded the fuckin' snowplow asshole with an ice axe, but he got away. Wife left me. Car won't start. I think I'm going snow blind. I can't move my toes. I haven't seen the sun in weeks. More snow predicted. Wind chill -22 fuckin' degrees. I'm moving back to South Carolina!

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