A new priest at his first mass was so nervous that he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the Monsignor how he had done.

The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

The next Sunday, he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon when he got nervous, he took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the vodka; don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey; he did not "bet his ass."
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as daddy, junior, and the spook.
8. David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit outta him.
9. When David was hit by a stone and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We don't refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper, he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God."
14. There will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.