Mr. Penis requests a promotion and a raise for the following reasons:

has to work hard
has to work at great depths
has to work upside-down
has no ventilation or air-conditioned work environment
has to work in a high humidity environment with odors
has to work at hot temperatures
does not get weekends or holidays off
does not get time off after extra hours of work
has a hazardous work environment that often causes illness


Management Reply: "Request denied for the following reasons"

does not work 8 hours straight during any work period
does not respond immediately to any requests
coworkers often unsatisfied by job performance
falls asleep after a short period of activity
shows no evidence of loyalty at the workplace
works better alone than with others
does not work at all unless pushed from behind
does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work
sometimes leaves work too early