Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Don't squat with your spurs on.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.

Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

Duct tape is like the force: it has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

Experience is the sinking feeling that you have made this mistake before.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.